I can feel the filth dripping off my skin

Sliding and squirming under my skin

My body is corrupted

Running to the showers in a panicking frenzy

For the fifth time this evening

Missing a step, I trip and fall inside the tub

Clutching the soap on my way down

it’s my only lifeline

Fast, my hands moved over the handles

Raining boiling water over my skin

In a hurry, scrubbing away my sins and memories

….

I dropped the soap again

The steaming water suddenly froze

I drop down for the soap to run from that brief flood of fear

A breath of relief soon after I burst into a flood of tears

How did I become this way?

Filling the tub with the clear salty blood bleeding fervently from my eyes

Rising from a pool of my tears and my clear water filth

Rinsing off the soap suds and stepping out of the tub

Calm, composed and collected

Removing my drenched clothes and tossing it aside

Drying my beautiful skin decorated by my cuts and scars

“You would think I’ve gone through trauma

Lol noo don’t think that

I am doing this because I want to”

Reapplying my routine makeup, just like master taught me

Red lipstick to hide the cuts on my lips

Heavy concealer under my eyes because

Big girls don’t cry.

My room is lit red, suffocating, and perfect. The faceless women rush into change the sheets, rearrange the chains, remove the tools of my last service, and bring another set in.

Calmly and gracefully, I sit and wait on the edge of my silky bed

No, I will not run, all good girls wait and do as they are told

I am okay, this is just a debt I must pay.

I don’t know how much time as passed,

my body is no longer the same.

I am a big girl now, big girls don’t feel pain

This is only skin deep